So when I built this blog and threw it out into the world I really didn’t know what I was supposed to do with it. That’s unusual for me. I’m a strategic goals and plans kinda gal.
But starting this blog, even without a plan, was what I KNEW I needed to do.
Two weeks later I haven’t posted again. And that annoys me because I’m also not a “start a project and never finish it” kinda gal. (Unless it’s sewing. It’s reeeeally not my thing.) Usually once I make a decision, I make it happen by giving it 110%. The end result might not look like what I imagined, but I always finish it somehow, in some kind of way.
I don’t want this to become just another never-posted-too blog taking up space on the internet. That doesn’t feel like what this blog is supposed to be.
But I know why I haven’t posted…
I don’t want this blog.
It’s how I felt in the months leading up to it, and that’s exactly what I said today when I sat down to try and blog about something…anything.
I but I know deeper down it’s more: I’m not sure I’m ready for the new season I know is coming with this blog. In large part, because I’m hanging on to things in my heart I know I need to let go so that I can make room for the things I know the Lord wants to do here.
My pride being one of those “things.” I can joke all day about this being “The Mommy Blog I Said I Would Never Have” But I honestly didn’t picture myself at this stage in life launching a blog…that looks like this.
But I know I’m supposed to do this blog.
I’ve tried to write down the “purpose” for this blog. I scribbled phrases like “make an impact” and “have fun.” And there are other things I have voiced to friends, things that would be really good, but that I didn’t actually want to write down because I struggle to embrace it.
It’s just…I haven’t ever dreamed of being here, with a blog like this. And I’m a dreamer.
Yes, as a really young kid I had dreamed of being a writer. But then I dreamed of being a traveling photographer and that dream was obviously bigger. Over a 20 year period, I made it happen and it’s definitely not going away. But in this season of being a mom of two kiddos…my dream is shifting. And that’s oh so good, and oh so hard at the same time.
In a nutshell, I want to slow down the hustle and soak up life a little more. You guys, we blinked and Paisley is almost 6 and starting school this fall! And I know a lot of you reading this are those who have followed my journey as a photographer for years and remember when she was born. It’s going waaaaay too fast.
But in the first six months of taking 2019 (mostly) off and having a season of rest from photography, I’ve realized some things. 1) I really really REALLY needed this time to rest and refocus. And 2)…
I’m not a real happy SAHM (stay at home mom).
There’s been a lot of unpacking that and all the emotions that come with it. Mostly guilt. Shouldn’t being JUST a wife, mom and homemaker be all I need to feel fulfilled and serving a noble purpose on earth? Shouldn’t I be so thankful I have a husband who provides so that I don’t HAVE to work?
Don’t worry. I’m working through it. And I didn’t say I wasn’t a good SAHM or that I don’t love being with 100% with my kiddos and housewife-ing full time. It’s just I literally alternate between twitching and depression when I have nothing outside of being a wife and mom to keep my life “challenged.” Which makes me a not very enjoyable SAHM to be around.
Ironically, a few weeks ago at the dinner table, Nelson looked at me and said, “I’m realizing you are like a girl Gary V.”
First of all, I was surprised he knew who Gary Vaynerchuk is, but he’d been listening to one of the audible books I have called “Crushing It!” I’m gonna venture to say most reading this won’t know who Gary V. is, but in summary: he’s a really intensely driven, obnoxiously loud, foul-mouthed, bluntly opinionated personality who has grown a massively successful empire.
Secondly, I never thought of myself as a girl Gary V. But also I’m not going to deny I can be very intensely driven, obnoxiously loud, (occasionally) foul-mouthed, and bluntly opinionated personality who aspires to build a massively successfully empire…or something like that.
And so my next blog I think is going to be titled something like “I Like To Make Money…”
Back to the point. What was I talking about? Oh. I don’t want this blog.
God has done a HUGE work in my heart in 2019. It’s been good, but honestly, it’s also really sucked. Think peeling back layers of an onion and how it makes you cry…and then you’re mad that it’s making you cry. Yep, that’s been my year so far. But He’s still so good and way bigger than any deeply rooted lies I’ve believed or fears that have driven me.
And so if I dig deep down, it’s not that I don’t want this blog. It’s not that I don’t want what the next season holds. It’s that I’m scared of the growing pains I know I’ll be going through on the journey to becoming the woman I need to be FOR the next season. And whatever God has in store must be big, because I’ve never felt this intimidated by a new season. Not even when I got engaged in 5 weeks and married 9 weeks and 2 days after that.
I also have no problem thinking about sharing anything on my blog until I imagine people I actually know IRL reading it. Ahhhhhh. Ok. Just smile and wave Lyndsey.
Copyright Lyndsey Garber // I Don’t Want This Blog
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